I Am Still Standing {International Bereaved Mother's Day}

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The most overwhelming days are when others dismiss the pain caused to have lost all of you. As if some how the strength I poses makes me some how immune to weakness, even in the smallest degree. However, nothing could be furthest from the truth. It is usually the strongest of those you see that are holding it together by the thinest of strings… it’s like waiting for that moment for one more thing to make it all come undone.
When you lose yourself it doesn’t always happen the way you would imagine… because there comes a point when your mind and body is weakened to a point that you don’t even see coming; when the string has started to unravel… when the pressure is so much you can’t even begin to comprehend how you can possibly handle another ton of bricks to be added to your chest. When the pain of another loss blindsides you undoing all the healing you thought you had done. When the pressure you thought you were handling so well after all these years finds it’s way back.
Despite the healing that had taken place all it takes is that one loss, you never saw coming, to rip apart your scar.

Maybe it’s because there was so many similarities to the first loss we had that it brought up feelings I hadn’t felt in so long that it became too overwhelmingly suffocating. Maybe it’s because we confirmed we were pregnant the moment we were losing you... causing me to think of all the what ifs all over again. Those what ifs we all know are unreasonable, but no matter what you say at that point in grief you won’t listen to reason; no matter how irrational your thoughts are.

Maybe it’s because once again I was at home alone to go through the loss and when I called for Him… work came first… because… well military and most jobs for that matter don’t give you time off to grieve due to miscarriages.

Maybe I was tired of having my heart shatter into trillion pieces and I just didn’t want to have to put it back together once again. I can never even start to begin to explain how hard it is to do even just one time, but to do it a 2nd time, 3rd, 4th, 5th let alone a 6th time. So instead I put the pieces of my fragmented heart in a box and tucked it away. I tried to live my life without my heart because at that moment it was the only way I was getting through everything else going on in our life. Our new life brought on so many new stressors with it that no one can understand unless they’ve had to be a recruiter in the military.

So for almost a year that’s what I did … I lived my life in autopilot and it worked. Until one day I took time to look at myself in the mirror. Truly looking at myself and realizing I wasn’t me. I felt like I stood there for hours inspecting every inch of who I had become inside and out… realizing I truly had not let myself grieve, and if I never did I would never be able to truly move forward.

So slowly took out that box I tucked away on May 10, 2018 and slowly opened it revealing my shattered heart. Instantly I started to cry. I knew I couldn’t do it so I gave them to God and let him know this time I needed Him to do it all… so He put my broken heart back together for me. However I knew I would have to make the choice to take back that fragile heart and I knew what that meant… it meant I would have to deal with all the pain of my losses. It meant accepting the journey I had been given and I was really questioning why this was my journey.

Questioning if I could really live with this fragmented heart because if I could just get a new one then I wouldn’t have to deal with all the things that came with it.
But despite all the questioning and fear of emotions I took my heart and put it back where it belonged. A ton of emotions came flooding back, but to my surprise there wan’t any fear to be found. Fear had gone the moment I took my heart back. I was expecting to be drowning in tears of grief, but while I was sad there was a rush of relief I wasn’t prepared for. A peace I thought I could never feel again, but in that moment I was reminded that without this journey I wouldn’t be who I am today. I wouldn’t have helped as many as I have. I wouldn’t have made the connections I’ve made. Most of all the scars from my fragments are a reminder my children exist. They remind me of my faith and how it wouldn’t be what it is. Because while I may be strong I know I wouldn’t make it through this journey without Him by my side.

While it has only been a couple months since I took that box out and no longer living on autopilot… I am slowly putting things back together and allowing myself to heal. Part of this healing process is updating the photo we have to represent our children and speaking and sharing that while I may appear strong to so many I promise I have moments where I fall apart, but I realize this is okay. Sometimes we need moments in life where we have to step away to make it through it because we need a bit more time before we can truly start our healing process. We should not mistake this for weakness or let it cause fear to grow because I have come to realize that all mothers of loss have a sacred strength that allows us to face the unimaginable pain and pick ourselves back up and let the world know we are still standing. So despite all of this know we heal in different times and sometimes have to face the same unimaginable pain more than once, and while we may take longer to heal we must vow to always choose our sacred strength and make sure we stand ourselves back up.

In my journey there are a couple moments that have happened which helped me through this time in my life. God knew what I needed at this time in my life. So thank you God for the day I was able to see Jan because that hug she gave me was something I needed. You may not realize that being able to hug you twice that weekend and being able to talk with you and Gene made a major difference for me and helped me in my journey to healing.

Also, I am thankful for God sending us to Green Bay because it has allowed us to see my Mommy more often, which I really needed. It allowed for her to surprise me on days I needed it most. While I didn’t even fully explain to you Mom what I was going through know you had a part in my healing more than you will know.

I must add a thank you in for all my customers, new and repeat, that will never know that making creations for you offers me a therapeutic outlet that helps me in so many ways. But more than that the connections I make with you in you sharing your story and I share mine with you those are moments that get me through the toughest of times. So thank you to the many of you who have been that for me. You may think it is only me doing so much for you, but I promise it goes both ways.

While my heart feels fragile at times like today on International Bereaved Mother’s Day and with May 10th coming up, the one year marker of my loss of Mal, I take it day by day…. and today may be filled with tears and smiles but I’m okay with that: I know there is purpose to my journey and a reason to share my story.

Christina
{owner of Soul Cyster Creations}

wave of light



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